On the surface, online dating appears to be the ideal way to meet a potential partner: being able to confidently speak to someone without actually meeting them face to face. Society has romanticized the concept of digital dating in print ads and in the realm of film and television. With the uprising of social media and mobile dating applications, it has become the most convenient platform for individuals to pursue romantic relationships, as individuals are constantly using their smart phones (Reed, Tolman, Ward, Safyer, 2015). In fact, one in five relationships now begin online (Bridges, 2012). For many, digital dating creates an ideal situation for those who have developed social anxieties with face to face interactions. However, beneath the simple gesture of swiping left or right lies the destructive reality of digital dating. With unlimited access into a potential partner’s life through online platforms, an immediate presumptive judgement of character regarding the potential partner is made. The ability to form meaningful and deep relationships is undermined, and individuals lose the confidence to communicate offline. This essay will consider how online dating has negatively impacted how millennials connect, interact, and date today.

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               As online dating platforms become more prevalent, so do the concerns that come with digital dating. There are more than 10 million active users on Tinder, and more than half of those users claim their experiences using the application led to casual sex, instead of deep emotional relationships (Sumter, Vandenbosch, Ligtenberg 2017). This is because individuals are choosing potential partners based on their appearance and the interests they display online. By using online platforms, one can mediate what personal information he or she wants to advertise. However, individuals are more likely to lie online than offline, creating a skewed version of themselves that they want others to believe (Kang and Hoffman 2011). The slanted version of oneself advertised on dating applications is rarely used with the intention of forming intimate relationships.

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               Self-presentation is a key component of how individuals connect online and decide whether or not they want to pursue a relationship. (Davis, Fingerman 2015). Millennials tend to post provocative pictures to get others’ attention; however, this may send promiscuous messages as opposed to suggesting one wants a serious relationship (Davis, Fingerman, 2015). A study conducted on the use of online dating to meet sexual partners concluded that the most important factor for individuals on dating sites was physical attractiveness (Couch, Liamputtong, 2008). This study suggests that individuals make an initial decision of whether or not to pursue a relationship before meeting face to face, as they have already decided based on pictures online. Digital dating is closely associated with casual sex rather than forming deep emotional connections because individuals are increasingly focused on superficial aspects (Sumter, Vandenbosch, Ligtenberg 2017).

 

               There are two screening processes that occur during the digital dating process. The first, when two individuals match online and cyber stalk their potential partner to decide whether or not they want to pursue the relationship. The second one occurs following an online interaction at which point individuals decide to switch from online to offline dating. “68% of online daters indicated that they consider the first face to face meeting to function as a ‘screening out process’ that determines whether a relationship is worth pursuing” (Ramirez, Artemio, Sumner, Fleuriet, Cole 2015). The second screening process defeats the purpose of interacting with someone online beforehand. This screening process can be avoided a second time if the individuals immediately meet in person where one can easily decide if they are interested or not (Ramirez, Artemio, Sumner, Fleuriet, and Cole 2015). Online dating enables individuals to find out simple information about another person, however, meeting face to face provides an experience where one can determine their own interest through physical identity (Ramirez, Artemio, Sumner, Fleuriet, Cole 2015). Although many individuals meet their partners online at first, the offline interaction is more influential in their decision to continue the relationship or not. A study conducted on the effect of modality switching on relational communication between online daters suggests that the sooner a relationship mediates the switch from online to offline, the more successful the relationship will be (Ramirez, Artemio, Sumner, Fleuriet, Cole 2015). Therefore, having an initial face to face interaction instead of hiding behind a screen would provide the tools to have a successful and meaningful relationship from the start, instead of waiting for the second screening process.

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               For many, online dating applications are used to meet potential partners; however, for others, it is used for social gratification. Individuals use online dating platforms to satisfy their own psychological needs related to self-worth (Sumter, Vandenbosch, Ligtenberg 2017). For example, when one matches with numerous attractive partners they validate their own sex appeal, resulting in increased self-confidence. Social gratification correlates with casual sexual encounters as individuals tend to complement each other based on their physical appearance instead of getting to know the other person (Sumter, Vandenbosch, Ligtenberg 2017). Online dating sites have become a vicious cycle where individuals seek others based on physical appearances but also seek reassurance about their own attractiveness. This obsession with physical appearance indicates that meeting others online is impersonal and fabricated and is not the same as meeting individuals face to face.

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               Online dating give individuals access into the lives of potential partners as many dating applications, such as Tinder, are connected through Instagram and Facebook. With so much access into an individual’s online persona, potential dating partners can ‘cyber stalk’ before meeting. This phenomenon is called Electronic Intrusion (Sumter, Vandenbosch, Ligtenberg 2017). Immediately, individuals judge others based on their profiles, before taking the chance to get to know them. Additionally, this access eliminates all elements of intrigue and mystery for individuals to learn about each other (Suval, 2013). For example, one can find out how many siblings their potential partner has, their birthday, where they went to high school, and where they travelled last summer, all through Facebook. Not to mention one makes assumptions about pictures or posts without discussing it with the person themselves.

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                ‘Cyber stalking’ aside, once in a relationship, digital media allows individuals to know their partners’ actions at all times (Reed, Tolman, Ward, Safyer 2015). After entering a cyber relationship electronic intrusion continues as one is always virtually connected to their partner. Through Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Find My Friends, and other mobile applications, individuals are constantly connected which makes it difficult to maintain boundaries. This may often lead to digital abuse (Reed, Tolman, Ward, Safyer 2015). Digital abuse suggests that the electronic intrusion performed before forming a relationship, as well as once already in a relationship, can become a harmful factor in a relationship.  If individuals are unable to perform this electronic intrusion from the beginning, this is less likely to occur (Reed, Tolman, Ward, Safyer 2015).

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               As more individuals begin the dating process through online platforms, there are fewer who begin relationships through face to face interactions. The vulnerabilities that are associated with interacting with people in person can be controlled effectively online (Chambers, 2013). However, without physically seeing the other person and their behavioural cues, how can one truly get to know another person? These relationships can be referred to as ‘computer-mediated communication’ and can be damaging because this context does not provide the same experience as forming a meaningful relationship face to face (Kang and Hoffman, 2011). Online dating platforms act as an escape for those who are shy, self-conscious, or have social anxiety, as these are issues one does not have to worry about when hiding behind a screen. As a relationship progresses, the next step is a face to face interaction and if those fears were present before, they will still be present following the online interaction (Kang and Hoffman, 2011). In the past, initiating flirtatious communication with someone took courage, but now it has become as simple as sitting in the confinement of one’s own home and sending a text. 

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               As users interact with each other through online dating platforms, they begin to idealize their potential partner. The longer they speak online, the higher the expectations and the greater the disappointment later on. People have too many expectations when switching from online to offline interactions, and often get let down (Kang and Hoffman, 2011). The sooner individuals meet face to face following an online match, the better the outcome (Ramirez, Sumber, Fleuriet, Cole, 2015). However, they have destroyed the unique initial meeting and lost the opportunity to get to know someone face to face as one can strategically mediate what is said online. Individuals find it less intimidating to flirt or act promiscuous online and, therefore, may appear completely different in person (Chambers, 2013). Deborah Chambers discusses the ‘hyperpersonal effect’ in which people express a fear that the offline person will not live up to their online persona. Therefore, it is suggested that the types of people who become involved in online relationships are more often those who have difficulty in social situations (Couch, Liamputtong 2006). For one to overcome a fear it is suggested that they face the fear straight on and not hide from it. Individuals who suffer from social anxiety or are shy should not turn to online dating to run from their fears because all they are doing is making their fear worse.

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               Although online dating makes connecting in this huge world easier by providing the access to connect to anyone, anywhere, it has also made it extremely unrealistic. Having access to someone who lives across the world may seem ideal if they have an immediate ‘online connection,’ however, the opportunity to meet face to face is unlikely to occur (Bridges, 2012). Online dating is a phenomenon that will not end but only continue to grow, which is why it is important for users to understand the negative destructive aspects of digital dating. For individuals who want to succeed in meaningful offline relationships, it is important to consider all the detriments that most people fall into when online dating. Through these insights, it is hoped that future online daters will not judge others simply by a picture or through online profiles through cyber stalking, and will be more open to immediate face to face interaction in order for a proper relationship to form.